There, above the fold, was this shattering piece of news:
That's right: "Not all churches open to same-sex marriage."
Next week we'll learn that "Not all halal butchers sell pork" and "Not all Unitarian-Universalists believe in god."
To be fair, the web version of the newspaper's article has a better, more explanatory headline -- but most readers of the Sunday Daily Progress read what's tossed on their lawns in the pre-dawn hours.