Marcia, Marcia , Marcia!

Half a century ago, ad-man Stan Freberg caught heat from the censors for his send-up of radio and TV soap operas, with a novelty record called "John and Marsha." The dialogue in "John and Marsha" consisted of only two words ("John" and "Marsha"). But that genius Freberg directed his actors -- he might have been one of them -- to say those words of dialogue with such torrid inflection that he angered the bluenoses of the 1950s, who actually got the record banned from several radio stations around the country.

That, of course, led to increased sales of the single and subsequent album, but that's a story for another day.

What would Freberg make of this tasty tidbit from ABC News? Would he redo his recording with new actors and new dialogue, calling it "Jan and Marcia"? Read on:

The book publisher for Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady on the 1970s sitcom "The Brady Bunch," is shooting down rumors that she had a lesbian on-set affair with co-star Eve Plumb, who played her younger sister Jan.

The story of the alleged lesbian affair started circulating the Internet Friday, and was picked up by at least one newspaper on Saturday.

The reported source of the story was McCormick herself in her new tell-all book, "Here's the Story," slated to come out next year.

But the book's publisher said, though there are plenty of other revelations in the book, a lesbian affair is not one of them.

Once again, the headline ("Lesbian Bradys? Publisher Denies Report") sets us up for a sensational story about torrid lesbianism in Hollywood, only to be shot down with truthiness.

To much of Middle America, the idea of the Brady sisters coupled in lesbian incest would be akin to finding out that Lawrence Welk and Myron Floren had a Hoover/Tolson-style relationship.

Yet the tabloids press on.

If only Stan Freberg were still as active as he was in the '50s and '60s. I can hear it now:

"Jan!"
"Marcia!"
"Jan…"
"Marcia…"
"Jan?"
"Um… Marcia…"
(-Snif-) "Jan!"
"Marcia?"
"John…."
"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!"

So that's the way they all became the ... oh, you know the rest.